Killer
by Arlath's Star
Summary: The Hub is in chaos, Torchwood is breaking down and the Team are trying to kill each other. And it’s all thanks to Jack’s new ‘team-building’ game…
1. Chapter 1

**Let's get this straight to start with, shall we? I do not own Torchwood in any way. If I did own Torchwood a lot of people would still be alive and I would have a lot more money. **

**It's rated T, because it's Torchwood. That said, there's only really some mild swearing (have you tried to write Owen without using swear words?) and possibly some Janto. You can probably spot some other pairings if you squint. **

**This is set just after 'Adrift', though that doesn't impact much on the story. It's my first ever Torchwood fic, so please be especially kind and review it for me. That way I might feel confident enough to write some more. (Alternatively if you review telling me how much you hate my writing I will make a point of not writing any more. I would prefer it if you didn't do this, though it might mean that I'd get more schoolwork done)**

Chapter one**  
**

Owen sighed pointedly as he settled down in the last chair surrounding the conference table. If Jack had called them together for a meeting it did not bode well. Nothing good ever happened after one of Jack's meetings in Owen's opinion. It either meant that some alien was on the rampage and that Cardiff needed saving _again _or it meant that Jack had had one of his ideas. Noting the way Jack was trying not to grin gleefully Owen had a terrible feeling that the second reason was the correct one.

"Ok team, seeing as we haven't had much Rift activity recently I thought it might be a good idea if we did some training so that we're prepared for whatever it's saving itself up for." Jack looked round at his team to see how they were taking this. Gwen was looking at him expectantly whilst Tosh and Ianto were watching warily. Owen had his eyes closed and seemed to be trying to block out whatever Jack was going to say next.

"So we're all going to do a team building exercise."

Owen groaned aloud, vividly remembering the last time Jack had decided to make them all do one of his 'team-building exercises'. He'd fallen off the assault course Jack had designed to run around the hub and broken his arm, just after he'd been taunting Ianto for going round so slowly. Suzie hadn't stopped laughing at him for a week, he recalled bitterly. Glancing across at Ianto he could tell he wasn't the only person who had just been reminded of the incident.

"What kind of team-building game Jack?" asked Gwen, trying to make up for Owen's obvious lack of enthusiasm.

"It's called Killer…"

The same image popped into everyone else's heads at the same moment.

"Sir." said Ianto carefully. "I can see why you might find a game like that amusing, but don't you think being immortal might count as cheating?"

"No, I like it!" Owen's eyes had lit up, thinking of all the possibilities a game with a name like that might offer.

"I think you'll find you've already lost, Owen." Tosh pointed out coolly.

"Do you seriously think I'm giving you permission to try and kill each other?" asked Jack incredulously. "It's a game – no one actually dies!"

Everyone sank back a little. Owen raised a hand tentatively. "Can I not play because it's an insult to my condition?"

"No. Everyone's playing or it won't work. Now why don't you keep off the criticisms until you've actually heard what it's about?" The others stayed quiet so he started to explain: "In the game you each get a piece of paper with a person, an object and a place written on it. What you have to do is hand that object to that person in that place, and if they accept it that means you've killed them, and they're out of the game. Then you get their piece of paper and have to kill the person on that. When you find your own name you've won."

Gwen spoke up sceptically. "Will it not be a little difficult to do our job if we're running around pretending to kill each other?"

"Well, obviously we pause the game as soon as the Rift alert comes on…"

Ianto asked the question that was puzzling them all. "How does this count as team-building?"

Jack ignored him and instead pulled three bags full of folded-up slips of paper out of his coat pocket. "Here, take one out." he commanded, passing the first bag to Tosh. She reached in and took one, quickly unfolding it and scanning it with her eyes.

"I've got me."

Owen sighed as the paper was put back and the bag shaken up, before they started again. But as the bag made its way round the table he started to imagine a scene in which he had just handed a rubber duck to someone – Jack would be good, or maybe Ianto – and was quietly saying 'you're dead' to their shocked face...

"Take one Owen!" Gwen demanded, shaking the bag under his nose.

Two bags later and there were some very thoughtful faces around the table. Jack grinned down at his own three slips in pleasure, feeling certain that his first 'kill' was not going to be hard and vaguely wondering what the others had got, in particular who had got him. He'd put some quite strange objects in the list; hopefully enough of them that he wouldn't be at too much of an advantage for having written the list himself.

He glanced down the table at the others. Owen was positively grinning, whilst Tosh and Ianto were both looking thoughtful. Gwen was biting her lip.

"So, when does this whole thing start?" Owen asked expectantly.

"Tomorrow." Jack replied as he stood up. "So you've got the whole evening to start laying plans. Don't forget when you walk in next morning! You can all go now, by the way. I doubt anything will be happening tonight."

He smiled to himself as he watched them leave, all of them scheming furiously. He'd forgotten how much fun this game could be.

**Thoughts from the team **

Ianto

'_A piece of personal clothing'; only Jack could have come up with that. What he's got in mind is probably a bit too personal though - I'd probably be better off just nicking Owen's coat. The pterodactyl's nest… hmm, it's a good thing Myfanwy likes me. But getting Owen up there's more of a challenge. I think my best bet's to pretend Myfanwy's attacking me… no, he wouldn't fall for that - she'd actually have to _be_ attacking me before he'd do anything. Suppose I put chocolate in my pocket? It would be painful, I suppose, but she's not that vicious really, and it would be worth it. Better not wear a good suit though. _

Owen

_How lucky can I get? I mean Tosh - who never suspects anything - in the autopsy bay – which is hardly suspicious - with a chocolate-chip biscuit. Well, the biscuit might look a bit odd, 'specially since she knows I don't eat now, but if I distracted her… Computers, she never notices anything when she's absorbed with them. Can I break the equipment in the autopsy bay so it doesn't look too obvious? Oh, I can't wait to see her face…. I'll have to find out where Teaboy hides the biscuits first though; no way am I buying them just for some stupid game… _

Tosh

_Jack, Jack… There must be a way of getting him somehow. But the lift, that's a tricky one. And sun-cream? In Wales? You can't even buy sun-cream in Wales, much less pass it to an on-the-alert boss without them suspecting. Especially when that boss is Jack. Mind you, it never says it has to be a whole bottle of sun cream. Maybe I could just shake hands with him or something, just as he's getting onto the lift. Or pass him something at the last minute with sun cream smeared on it. But I'll have to wait until he uses the lift first, and that might take a while. Not that it matters really; it's only a game after all. I wonder who's got me? _

Jack 

_I could manage any of them, of course, but it turns out that I've got the most gullible person in the team. Gwen will probably have forgotten the whole thing by tomorrow morning – I don't even need to use Retcon, which is just as well because I banned it in the rules anyway. Now _that_ would be amusing. But it should be easy enough anyway: I'll just stroll up to her first thing tomorrow whilst she's sat at her desk, pass her the book and say it's an artefact that needs analysing. Though she'd probably believe me if I told her it was a late birthday present. _

_The team will probably suspect a set-up when I get her so quickly; I guess I'll have to turn on the old charm and persuade them all that getting her at her desk was just the luck of the game. That shouldn't be too hard though; you could probably get Gwen with a teapot in the showers, so there wouldn't really be much point in cheating. Showers… I knew I'd missed somewhere off the list. _

_And I've got to remember to keep a close eye on how the rest of the team are doing. I'll look out for Ianto especially - I've got a feeling this is something he's good at – and maybe Owen too. I doubt Tosh poses much of a threat, but we'll see._

Gwen

_Well, of all the bloody objects in this junk-heap I could have got… An 'acatulater'. How the hell am I supposed to know what that is? The others all got normal stuff -, I could tell - so how come I was the one who ended up with some piece of random alien tech that Jack put on the list for a laugh? And of course I get Ianto Jones, who will obviously suspect _something _if I try to hand him the bit of equipment I've just asked him to fetch from the Archives. The only feasible part of this is probably the hothouse bit… but before I get that far I've got to work out what the bloody thing is in the first place!_

_One thing's for sure: there's no way I'm accepting anything off any of them until this stupid game of Jack's is over and done with._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

**A huge thank you to my reviewers TheWeddingFairy, darkdranzer, Raising cain, the darkness revealed, doctor-who-fangirl, Dowisetrepla, L.A.H.H, , cjh4ever, Lilith Skywalker and WickedWitchoftheSE. I never expected that this would go down so well!**

**Did I mention character-bashing at the start? If I didn't I meant to.**

Jack was surprised how early his team turned up the following morning. Owen was certainly in a good hour before his normal time and the look on his face quite clearly said he was planning something. Tosh, however, seemed far more preoccupied with whatever new computer programme it was that she was currently working with. Ianto looked like… well, he looked just like Ianto normally did, but that was what Jack had expected. He was suddenly very glad that he hadn't put coffee, or coffee mugs, on the list of objects. Not that he'd told the team that. He'd let them work it out for themselves.

He grinned quietly to himself from the balcony as he watched Gwen enter and head straight for her desk. The way she glanced around to check where the others were told him that she had remembered what was happening today, but that only made the game more fun. He decided to leave her to stew for a bit and went down to greet them all.

Ianto was already handing out the first coffee batch of the morning as Jack appeared.

"Morning sir. Yours is on the desk in your office."

Jack went and collected it then watched in amusement as Ianto tried to give the rest of the team their drinks.

"On the table." Gwen snapped as Ianto held out a cup for her to take.

"God, you're tetchy this morning!" Owen commented from where he was leaning against the wall.

Ianto rolled his eyes as he approached Tosh, still typing away and staring at her screen with fixed concentration. She started a little as Ianto said her name and looked up from her work. "Oh, thank you Ianto." she smiled as she sipped from the steaming mug. Then she frowned slightly. "What are you all staring at?"

"Well." said Jack carefully. "Let's just say that if that was Ianto's 'kill' then you've just won a world record for shortest game duration."

"It wasn't." Ianto added hurriedly, seeing Tosh's blush.

"Well, at least I know coffee's safe." Tosh replied brightly.

"Only at your work station." Owen pointed out.

"It's better than nothing."

Jack suddenly remembered something he'd forgotten to mention earlier. "When you do kill someone, or are killed, make sure you don't tell anyone else."

"Why?" asked Gwen, looking confused.

"Because then they'll know who's out of the game and who they don't have to watch out for any longer."

"Which would obviously make it far less fun." said Owen, grinning.

Jack glanced at him. "You're enjoying this far too much, you know that?"

"You don't seem to be coping too badly yourself." Ianto remarked.

Jack grinned too.

Gwen was furiously searching the Hub database for any information on her mystery object. Nothing came up. She swore under her breath, willing to bet that Jack had removed the records just to be annoying. And she couldn't ask Ianto, she just couldn't. There was no way he wouldn't see through her asking about the object….

She looked up from her musings to see Jack standing over her.

"Busy?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Not really."

"Then will you write up a report on this for me? It fell through the Rift last night."

Gwen glanced at the book he was holding out to her. "'Pride and Prejudice'?"

"Yeah, 35th century edition from what I can tell." He looked at her raised eyebrows. "It's not dangerous."

Gwen was still eyeing the book he was holding. "Did you seriously think I'd fall for that Jack?"

Jack laughed. "Just testing!"

She smiled back. "Did I score well?"

"Better than Tosh."

Jack frowned to himself as he sat down in his office. That really hadn't gone as well as he'd hoped. Now he'd have to approach the others in the same way to try and convince her that it wasn't her he was out to get. And there was no way she'd be touching anything book-shaped for a while. He drummed his fingers on the desk, considering ways of disguising it. Maybe Gwen was going to be a bit more tricky than he thought.

Meanwhile, Owen was busy making a thorough search of all the kitchen cupboards in which Ianto could possibly hide his stash of biscuits. He'd been through most of the lower cupboards already but he hadn't found so much as a crumb. This wasn't the first time he'd searched for the biscuit supplies either, and he'd never had any luck in the past. Ianto must hide them somewhere really bizarre... He stepped back and tried to think like the secretive Welshman.

He'd just finished extracting the biscuit tin from the remains of the coffee machine packaging when Ianto entered behind him.

"Any reason you would be rooting around behind the coffee machine…?"

"If there was a reason, I wouldn't tell you. What's that you're holding?" Owen had just noticed the notebook Ianto was clutching in his hands, and was remembering all the vague references that had been made to his keeping a diary.

"Oh, it's nothing you'll find important…" Ianto broke off as the notebook was snatched from his fingers. "Owen," he announced calmly. "You're dead."

Owen was flicking through the pages. "Sorry teaboy? I wasn't really listening just then."

"I said 'you're dead'." Ianto watched with pleasure as Owen froze halfway through perusing his notebook.

"What do you mean?" Owen asked suspiciously, scanning the Welshman's face and glancing back down at the notebook in his hands.

Ianto sighed melodramatically. "I mean, Dr Harper, that it seems odd for a dead person to be quite so interested in the kitchen accounts."

Owen slammed the book down in front of the grinning Ianto and stormed out of the room. He hated the Welshman and his stupid jokes.

Five minutes later and Owen was taking out his anger on the autopsy room computer system. Or at least, he was about to when he reconsidered and decided that smashing the screen or cutting the wires was probably going a bit too far and was also so obvious that Tosh would definitely see through it. So he opted for switching some of the wires around instead. He wasn't entirely certain what most of them did so he just waited until the screen started to flicker violently, hoping fervently that he hadn't unintentionally managed to trash the system totally.

"Err, Tosh?"

"Yes Owen?"

"I've got a problem with the computer."

Owen heard Tosh sigh and then the sound of her footsteps crossing the Hub. "What happened?" she asked in a resigned voice.

"Well, I was just sort of, you know, trying to rejig the settings a bit." Owen replied, glancing at the tangle of wires in front of him. "Only it seems I moved some of the wrong wires. Stupid bloody system. Can you sort it?"

Tosh sighed quietly to herself. That was just typical of Owen; making a mess of something and then getting someone else to deal with it. But even as she thought it her mind was turning instinctively to calculating what Owen had done and what was needed to fix the damage. She crouched down to look at the back of the computer, reaching for her glasses as she did so. Owen reached for the biscuit packet concealed in his pocket, smiling as he watched her become more and more absorbed in her task.

"It looks like you've swopped the moniter cable with one of the external feeds, but some of the others are in the wrong places too…" She deftly changed some of the wires round and the machine's insistent groaning quietened. "There, that's fixed it. Simple really. Why is there chewing gum in this port?" Tosh's tone had just darkened.

"Er, oh…" Owen had forgotten about that, and right now he did not need a lecture from a pissed-off technician. He decided to play his trump card: "It's just one of those stupid habits I used to have back when…" he tailed off deliberately.

"I'm sorry." Said Tosh in a much softer voice.

"Not your fault." The conversation was going better than Owen had ever hoped. "I don't miss it that much." _Liar_. "I might still be able to eat it anyway, so long as I don't swallow it. But I definitely can't have these any more." He opened one of the desk drawers and pretended to pull out the pack of biscuits. "I'd forgotten 'til you mentioned it. You want them? I'd share them out but Ianto's probably got his own stock and, well, you're nicer than Gwen anyway."

Tosh beamed shyly, turning her gaze back to the computer screen in embarrassment. "I'll just have one, thanks." she said brightly as she opened the packet.

Partway through crunching her second, unintended, biscuit Tosh turned from prising out the chewing gum to address the smugly grinning Owen. "Why are you looking at me like that? Are they out of date? Oh!"

Owen looked down at her triumphantly. "Toshiko Sato, autopsy bay, chocolate-chip biscuit."

Tosh allowed herself a slight sigh as she placed her pieces of paper in Owen's outstretched hand.

Later on, sat back down at her computer, she considered that it hadn't really been so bad. She was a trifle annoyed with herself that she'd been fooled so easily, but at least she'd got it over with. She was well aware that she wasn't taking the game as seriously as the rest of the team, and on one level she didn't honestly care that she was out of it; it was one less thing to worry about and meant she could get back to the project it had distracted her from. On another level she was secretly quite pleased that it had been Owen who was her killer – although he'd never let her forget it. But he had given her biscuits and said she was nicer than Gwen - admittedly only so he could trick her into falling for his trap, but it had to mean something, didn't it? She rubbed her hands across her eyes and turned back to her computer, which was busy running her latest translation program. Computers made sense.

After a short while, when she'd finished decoding what turned out to be the alien equivalent of a birthday card, she checked the CCTV footage for the autopsy bay. Owen was playing with a scalpel as he stood over their latest arrival, alternatively frowning as though in deep thought and grinning like a child at Christmas.

Tosh smiled and turned back to her work.


	3. Chapter 3

**I knew I should have put a note in about this at the beginning and now I've confused everybody… Owen's dead is the sense that he's been shot and come back to life again (major spoiler there – sorry guys!). Ianto was just being mean to him. Jack, Gwen, Ianto and Owen are all still in the game – Tosh is out. Sorry for any confusion.**

**Somebody also recommended that I put in a summary of who's trying to do what. It's a brilliant idea and one I should have thought of earlier, so here goes; **

_**Jack: Gwen, at her desk with 'Pride and Prejudice'**_

_**Owen: Jack, on the lift with sun-cream**_

_**Gwen: Ianto, in the alien flora room (or whatever it's called) with an 'acatulater'**_

_**Ianto: Owen, in the pterodactyl nest with 'an item of personal clothing' **_

**I hope that clears things up a bit! **

**Thank you to everyone on the reviews list! That's Ravenja70, TheWeddingFairy, darkdranzer, deeta, Lilith Skywalker, xxkiirousagixx, cjh4ever, Dowisetrepla, tempestuous-rayne, L.A.H.H., Homicide-Inside and WickedWitchoftheSE. Thank you so much – you really cheer me up. **

Chapter 3

No-one else died that day, though there were some mysterious disappearances. Ianto was just coming up from checking the cells when he was met by Gwen, who was just on her way out.

"Ianto, have you seen my coat? I swear I left it around here somewhere…"

"Not recently." It wasn't really lying – he'd buried her coat in Myfanwy's nest quite early in the morning. "Do you need it immediately?"

"Oh, no, not really. It's just it's quite chilly outside… oh well, I'm sure we've all faced worse!" She grinned at him. "If you find it though…"

"I'll keep an eye out for it." Ianto promised. He felt slightly guilty about leaving her to face the Welsh weather but he was stuck with it now.

"Thanks!" she replied over her shoulder as she walked through the cog door. It was earlier than she'd normally have left but she was sick of keeping an eye out for Jack every moment of the day. It was blindingly obvious that she was his target; otherwise why would he try a trick as stupid as that so early in the morning and why would he spend all day watching her? Added to that the fact that she hadn't made any progress with her own task… Yes, Gwen Cooper was going home.

Ianto watched her leave and turned back to tidying the Hub.

An hour later he had to repeat the performance with Tosh, whose scarf was currently decorating the pterodactyl nest alongside Gwen's coat.

"Didn't Gwen say she'd lost something too?" Jack asked as he watched Ianto see Tosh off.

"Yes. Her scarf. I'm keeping a lookout sir."

"Good." Jack replied, smiling slightly. He had a feeling Ianto's deadpan look was hiding something and wondered who was in for it.

When Owen left he showed no sign that he'd heard the earlier conversations. The doctor was far more preoccupied with the same problem that had troubled Tosh – how to get the Captain, the invisible lift and some sun-cream together at the same time. He hadn't got very far yet, but he knew he had all night to sit and think about it.

Before he himself left Ianto made one more trip up to Myfanwy's nest, this time with Owen's doctor's coat in tow. "There'll be chocolate for you tomorrow." he told the bemused pterodactyl quietly. Myfanwy just looked at him and wondered why he was putting such strange-smelling things in her nest. They were lovely and soft and comfy though, so she wasn't complaining.

Left alone in the Hub Jack spent most of the night thinking up multiple ways of disguising a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice'. He wasn't even sure why he'd chosen to put precisely that title on the list in the first place, though what really mattered now was the book's size, rather than its title. He'd tried to hand Gwen the book twice now - the second time hidden in a stack of papers - and she hadn't fallen for either.

Jack was quite impressed – his team was obviously better than he thought. Ianto was scheming away nicely and Owen had been looking incredibly happy and smug earlier, so Jack suspected that he'd made the first kill. That meant Tosh was now out of the game, though he hadn't been able to tell just from the look on her face. So now there were four… But the game still had a long way to run yet.

Ianto was there before anyone else the next morning, though that wasn't unusual in itself. What was unusual was the amount of time he spent checking up on Torchwood's resident pterodactyl and casually patting his pockets. He spent the time waiting for the others to arrive carefully going over every detail of his plans, trying to think of every eventuality. This was the only chance he'd get at Owen and he had to make it work.

Gwen was in next, hoping to try a new angle in her search before Jack noticed she was there. She had just finished lugging a pile of relevant-looking folders up from the archives and sat down with them at her desk when she looked up to find that Jack was there waiting for her. It was then that she admitted to herself that trying to avoid the Torchwood leader was a tactic that was doomed to fail. He seemed to have an instinctive sense for where everyone was and always seemed to know when someone had just come in. And, she added to herself, the flashing door alarms probably didn't help.

Owen had spent all night filling his waste-paper basket with torn-up plans and was therefore not in a particularly good mood when he entered. The sound of Jack failing with his own target yet again heartened him slightly.

"If you want me to check through the file, put it on the table."

"I'm not contagious. You don't need to treat me like I've got hermingion sproits."

"Her-thingy what?"

"Here."

"I'm not taking it!"

Owen paused on the way to his desk, sensing a prime opportunity to cheer himself up. "Gwen, will you pop into the medical bay later?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I think it's time we did a psychological check-up. You're exhibiting all the symptoms of severe paranoia."

"I work in a secret organisation fighting aliens with a dead person and you're trying to tell me that I'm paranoid?"

"It's a serious condition, Gwen." Owen intoned in his best doctor's voice. "Tell, me have you had any hallucinations recently? Seen anything odd or unusual?"

"You mean other than a zombie, a man who can't die and a load of bloody aliens trying to – get that file _away_ from me, Jack Harkness!"

Owen grinned to himself and headed over to the autopsy bay. He always thought clearer whilst dissecting something, and since he had killed Tosh there it was definitely a safe zone… where was his coat?

"Oi, Ianto!"

"Yes?" the other man asked, seemingly having appeared out of nowhere just behind Owen.

Owen pretended he wasn't fazed. "Where's my doctors coat?"

Ianto shrugged. "I haven't seen it. Where did you leave it?"

"Did you find mine then?" Gwen asked, having finally escaped from her desk.

"Err, no. Nor Tosh's scarf."

"Tosh lost something too?"

Jack strode up to join the group. "Sounds like we've got a plague of missing clothes. Although I'm not really sure…"

Ianto cut him off quickly before he could say anything else, on the basis that whatever did spring from his mouth next probably wouldn't be good. "I'll find them, sir. I've already had a good look round whilst I was cleaning up, but I haven't seen anything yet."

"Perhaps they've fallen through the Rift." Tosh joked as she joined them.

Owen muttered something to the extent that they better not have done before beginning to search.

"I've had it since medical school." Owen was complaining to Tosh half an hour later. "_And_ it had all my badges on. I've spent years collecting those."

"Well why don't you look for it then?" Asked Tosh exasperatedly, trying to concentrate on her computer screen.

"But I've looked everywhere…"

"Just go do some work instead then."

"But I can't…"

"Then go talk to Ianto about it." Tosh cut in shortly. "And maybe when you've found your coat you can put a tracker on it so we don't have to go through all this next time." She stood up and picked up her laptop. "I've just got to go speak to Jack about something, ok?"

Ianto smiled as he watched her leave the main Hub. He'd thought getting everyone else out of his way would have been his main problem, but Gwen was hiding in the archives and Jack seemed to be sulking in his office, which meant that the floor was clear for Ianto's grand plan.

"Ianto…" Owen began.

"I'll look for it later, ok?" said Ianto, rolling his eyes. "But I must feed Myfanwy first."

"Why can't you just give her all the corpses?" Owen complained. Ianto threw him a look of disgust.

Ianto patted his coat pocket to make sure the chocolate was still there as he climbed up to the nest. As she watched him arrive Myfanwy gave him a disapproving glare and a screech that meant 'Why haven't you fed me yet today?'

"I've got chocolate for you." Ianto whispered. "Lovely dark chocolate. Your favourite." The pterodactyl looked up in interest as Ianto slid the corner of a bar out of his pocket. He turned for a moment and shouted down to the pacing doctor. "Hey, Owen! I've found your… Arrgh! Owen!"

Ianto had forgotten just how strong the pterodactyl could be – so strong he was nearly knocked out of the nest as she lunged at his pockets. He fell to the floor of the nest as her beak ripped none too gently at his jacket. "Owen!"

"I'm coming!" The doctor shouted back, climbing up as fast as he could with a syringe of sedative in his hand. Above him he could just catch sight of a pair of wings flapping furiously and hear the pterodactyl screeching.

_This was a bad idea._ Ianto thought as he closed his eyes so as not to see the dinosaur currently attacking his coat. _I hope it works. _He heard Owen shout "I've got it!" above the ripping noises, and then most of a sedated pterodactyl landed on him.

"Oof!"

"Sorry." Owen called, heaving Myfanwy off him. Ianto would have to remind him of that later; he could count the number of times Owen had ever said 'sorry' to him on the fingers of one hand.

"Bloody hell." Owen commented as he looked round the nest. "Looks like she's got quite a wardrobe up here. Women, eh? She probably went for your coat."

"So you think we've got a psychotic clothing-addicted pterodactyl loose in the Hub?" Ianto asked as he sat up gingerly.

Owen shrugged. "I'll have a look at her later. How are you?"

"Fine, apart from the jacket." Ianto looked down at it sadly. "It doesn't look like she damaged yours though." He added as he pulled Owen's coat out from underneath himself.

Ianto held his breath as Owen scrutinised the coat carefully, then the doctor reached out and took it off him. As Owen continued to check his precious coat, Ianto extracted the chocolate from his pockets with some difficulty. He broke a piece off and offered it to his saviour.

"Chocolate?"

"No thanks." Owen replied caustically. "I don't eat, remember? What have you got chocolate for anyway? Are you trying to kill me with it?" He laughed sarcastically and pulled his coat on.

Ianto watched, his face expressionless. "Why should I kill you when you're already dead?"

Owen looked at him nonplussed for a second, then looked down at the chocolate, then at the prostrate pterodactyl, then at his own lab coat and then finally back to Ianto again.

"You bastard."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to my wonderful reviewers; cjh4ever, Ravenja70, WickedWitchoftheSE, gernumblies, thunderincrimson, darkdranzer, TheWeddingFairy, L.A.H.H., tempestuous-rayne, milady dragon, Inexplicably Kyprioth, , Woodies101, Lilith Skywalker, Dowisetrepla, ImmortalsDoItForever, Homicide-Inside, Amy.54321, xxkiirousagixx and jimmy-barnes-13. Oh, and I'm loving the interview luck!**

**Many reviewers suggested having Jack use 'Pride and Prejudice' in computer format. That's a very good idea and it was one I'd never even considered, odd though that may seem. Unfortunately, the very good idea isn't going to be used. I'll claim a reason for this – not because Jack is a time traveller too and isn't used to electronic books, because I suspect he is – but because I'm assuming (No, **_**declaring.**_** I am the writer! My word is law!) that the list did state that it had to be a traditional book. A **_**full size**_** traditional book, for all those of you who cleverly suggested a pocket-sized book. Actually, the real reason was that the plan Jack actually thinks up was far more fun to write….**

Chapter four

It didn't take a genius to spot what had happened. Owen spent the rest of the day sulking and shooting foul glances at Ianto. He wasn't the only person in the Hub who was less than happy. Tosh was upset because Owen had said some rather hurtful things to her after she had laughed at his grudgingly told story of how Ianto had beaten him. Gwen was annoyed with Jack because she couldn't visit her desk (she now only went there when it was absolutely necessary) for five minutes without him turning up with some parcel or other, and Jack was annoyed with Gwen because his desperate attempt to irritate her so much she either gave in or forgot herself was completely failing to work. Ianto was the only member of the team who was happy; firstly because he had succeeded in humiliating Owen and secondly because Jack was the next person on his list. He even thought he had the makings of a plan, but he didn't want to carry it out just yet. He wanted the final standoff just to be between himself and Jack, and that meant that he too was going to have to wait for Gwen to give in.

Ianto was humming to himself in the kitchen when he realised that this meant that it had to be Gwen that was trying to get him. Not that she seemed to have tried anything yet, but he'd remain on guard, just in case. She was probably too pre-occupied with Jack at the moment to concentrate on him.

When Gwen collapsed on the sofa next to Rhys later that evening she felt more like she'd just been through a major alien invasion of the city than a rift-free day of paperwork and pizza back at the Hub.

"Are you all right, love?" asked Rhys as he plonked a cup of tea down on the table in front of her.

Gwen shrugged. "It's just work."

"Really? I'd never have guessed that." Rhys joked as he sat down beside her. "What is it now? A fleet of flying saucers hanging over Cardiff?"

"No, that was last week. It's just… a game we're playing."

"A game? You mean like hunt the alien?"

Gwen gave him a brief outline of the rules and then passed him her pieces of paper. "I'm supposed to be getting Ianto in the hothouse but the item's some random alien object called an acatulater or something that I've never heard of in my life…"

Her husband interrupted her rant. "Looks like it just says 'calculator' to me."

"What?"

"Yeah, calculator. They've spelt it wrong, mind you."

Gwen snatched the piece of paper off him. It was true that if you took the 't' as an 'lc', corrected the spelling and put in the spaces Jack's scrawl could be read as 'a calculator'.

"Rhys, you are my hero!"

Jack was brooding. The place he had chosen for his brooding was the roof of The Millennium Centre. It would seem like an odd place to be stood so early in the morning to anyone passing by, but Jack found that the clear air helped his thinking. And he definitely needed to have a good think. At first he had enjoyed the challenge Gwen had posed but now he was completely fed up. Over the past two days he had tried to pass her the book in every way he could possibly come up with. He had hidden it in folders, in pizza boxes, as surprise birthday presents, inside biscuit tins, and even inside a cake. He had tried to hand her it while she was working, while she was tired, while she was talking to someone else, while she was eating… All he had achieved was to make Gwen so paranoid that she jumped up from her desk as soon as he entered the room and to make the book so sticky and disgusting that he was no longer able to open it. And he never wanted to see a copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' again.

There was obviously no way that she was ever going to take it off him just to stop him annoying her because it was clear that she would put up with it just to irritate him. And that mean Jack's current tactics were never going to work. Now he was turning to his last resort, desperately running through the rules he himself had imposed looking for a loophole.

At 6am he found one.

When they arrived that morning Tosh, Owen and Ianto were greeted by the sight of Jack striding round the Hub looking cheerful for the first time in nearly two days.

"What's come over him?" whispered Tosh to the others once he had bounced back into his office. "He can't actually have thought up a foolproof plan of giving her it, can he?"

Owen looked perplexed. "I thought he'd tried everything."

"He's definitely up to something though." Ianto affirmed, as the sound of Jack singing 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' drifted across from the office.

"We should probably warn Gwen." Tosh said worriedly.

"No!" Owen and Ianto replied simultaneously, then both looked slightly embarrassed.

"It'll be more fun just to see what happens." Owen explained somewhat lamely. "Oh come on Tosh! Promise me you'll stay out of whatever he's up to."

Tosh shrugged. "Ok."

"Make Teaboy promise too."

A frown creased the technician's forehead. "Is there some reason you can't tell him yourself?"

"He's refusing to talk to me because of yesterday." Ianto explained casually. "Tell him I won't promise him anything until he calls me by my real name."

Tosh shook her head disbelievingly. These were the people employed to protect planet Earth against the scum of the universe?

"Tosh, tell him that as his superior I order him not to intervene."

"Tosh, will you kindly inform him that no 'superior' behaves like a whining five year old."

Tosh stuck her fingers in her ears and addressed her computer screen. "Computer, please tell Dr Harper and Mr Jones that I am not going to be their relay runner just because they are too proud to talk to each other."

Owen was just about to open his mouth to tell the computer to tell Tosh that at least he didn't speak to inanimate objects when the cog door rolled open and Gwen entered; "Sorry I'm late. Have I missed much?"

"Gwen, tell Tosh to tell Ianto that at least I'm not some sneaky jumped-up secretary."

"Then tell Tosh to tell Owen that at least _I_ don't smell like a decaying corpse."

"Oi!"

Gwen rubbed her forehead in confusion. "If you don't want to speak to each other why don't you just use MSN?"

The two men exchanged glances and Tosh gave Gwen a smile of relief. Gwen grinned back then breezed over to her desk and started going through the drawers.

"She looks like she's planning something too." said Owen thoughtfully. "I bloody well hope she gets you."

"Jack might get her first." Ianto replied, watching Gwen carefully.

Tosh gave a loud giggle and the other two turned to look at her. "You spoke!" she exclaimed in delight.

Owen and Ianto swore simultaneously.

Gwen rummaged through he desk drawers until she found what she was looking for. The reason she had been slightly late in that morning was because she'd stopped off on her way to try and buy a pocket calculator, but she hadn't had any luck. The normal sized one in her desk would have to do. Killing Ianto was still going to be a challenge, but at least now she was in with a chance.

Straightening up she was unsurprised to see that Jack was now leaning nonchalantly against her desk.

"No."

"No what? No tomatoes? No coffee?"

"No as in 'no, I'm not going to take that book off you'." Gwen started to turn away.

"Do you mean this book?" Jack asked, producing it from behind his back.

"The one covered in jam and cake crumbs? No, I don't really want it."

Jack lowered his voice so that the others had to move closer to hear him. "Are you sure you have a choice?"

"Of course I have a choice." Gwen scoffed. "You said in the rules that we had to accept it. You can't force me to take it, so I'm not going to."

Jack smiled at her condescendingly and then drew something shining out of his pocket. Owen grinned with delight as with one swift movement Jack expertly snapped one half of the handcuffs round the steel support for the computer screen and the other half round Gwen's wrist.

"You bastard, Jack Harkness! Take it off! Now!"

Jack waved the copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' in front of her. "Only if you take this off me first."

"No!"

Jack nodded equably. "I'll come back later." And he left.

Gwen looked at the others pleadingly. "Please…?"

"No." said Owen firmly.

"Sorry, Gwen." Tosh apologised.

Ianto just nodded politely to her.

Gwen swore after them all for a full ten minutes.

Gwen rummaged at the bottom of the only drawer she could reach and eventually unearthed what she was looking for. Paperclips. She optimistically poked her makeshift lock pick into the tiny key-hole only to watch in dismay as it melted.

When she looked up Jack was stood in front of her, holding out the book.

"Did you really think I wouldn't have thought of that?"

Gwen threw the hole punch at him.

Jack leaned over Tosh's shoulder as she was typing. "What's she doing now?"

"Working, I think."

Jack nodded, enjoying himself. "I'll have to remember that. The next time I need one of you to finish some paperwork for me I'll lock you in one of the cells until it's done."

"Can we use the same tactic on you sir?" Ianto asked as he passed by.

OWEN: Hey, Gwen, will u fetch me the memory stick I left on Tosh's desk?

GWEN**: **piss off Owen

OWEN: will u finish writing this report for me then?

OWEN: I can tell ur not working

OWEN: don't ignore me Gwen

OWEN: I'm waving your report at u. Will u please come and get it?

[IANTO has joined the conversation]

IANTO:Gwen, if you're not working will you please go down to Tesco for me? We're out of milk.

OWEN: Can u buy me a magazine 2?

[GWEN has left the conversation]

OWEN: I never expected that you'd be one to join in

IANTO: I know. I couldn't resist.

OWEN: I might go over and see how shes getting along

IANTO: Careful. Jack's still bleeding from that hole punch.

OWEN: nah, she ran out of stuff to chuck ages ago. Ive been watching her on the cameras

Owen strolled over to Gwen's desk somewhat cautiously, on the look-out for flying stationary. He plonked a glass of water and two white pills down on her desk. "Painkillers." He announced.

"Painkillers." Gwen repeated vehemently.

"I'm your doctor, remember? I'm supposed to take care of you. And I bet you've got cramp in that arm by now."

"Why can't you just take it off?" asked Gwen stubbornly, refusing to admit that her arm was killing her.

"Now where's the fun it that? Besides, I've got a bet on with Ianto that you'll last until at least one o' clock."

Gwen glared at him and made to reach for the glass.

"If you throw that glass at me there is no way I'll be getting you another one." Owen warned.

She glared at him again and turned back to her computer. As soon as he was gone she took the painkillers.

Gwen rested her head on the table in frustration. Why did the Rift never do anything when you wanted it to?

"Hello love, any chance of a meal out tonight?"

"Sorry Rhys pet, but it looks like I might be here for a while."

"Something going on again?"

Gwen sighed. She didn't really want to explain it. "No."

"Then what's wrong?"

She decided to be blunt. "I'm hand-cuffed to the desk, Rhys."

"What? By who?"

"Jack." Gwen answered bitterly.

"Jack? But why has he…"

Gwen cut him off. "It's just this bloody game. I'll be fine."

"Has he really chained you to the desk?"

"Yes."

"Can you send me a video?"

_Click_

"I thought she would have cracked by now." said Ianto resignedly as he placed the ten pound note in Owen's hand.

Owen just grinned. "Care for another bet?"

"What, on how long she'll last?"

"No, on how many hits a video will get if we put it on YouTube."

"Blocking it right now." Tosh called down to them. "And if you try it anyway I'll show Jack that footage of you fiddling with the shower piping."

Owen scowled. It wasn't his fault the cells had flooded.

"Hey, Team, I thought we'd finish early today. How about we all go down the road for a drink? Owen, you can just come and watch the rest of us get drunk. Deal?"

"Sounds like a good plan to me." Owen asserted.

Ianto nodded his agreement, and they both looked at Tosh. She shrugged. "Well, if you're both going…"

Jack paused by the door as the others were leaving. "You coming, Gwen?"

"You're a load of fucking bastards, you know that?"

"Should we go back yet?" Ianto asked as he glanced at his watch.

Jack shrugged. "Do you think she'll have given in yet?"

"Probably."

"Can't we leave her overnight?" Owen asked hopefully.

Gwen looked up dully as they walked in. "I'll take it."

Jack grinned broadly. "What was that?"

"I'll take it!"

Gwen practically snatched the book from his hand then threw it to the floor. Grinning wider than ever Jack pressed a few buttons on his wrist strap to unlock the cuffs. Gwen dumped her pieces of paper on the table and half-ran, half-staggered away from her desk.

Owen emerged from the table he'd been hiding behind. "Where's she going?"

"The toilet probably." Said Ianto dryly. "But I've locked the armoury anyway."

"That probably wasn't a bad idea." Tosh murmured, listening to the sound of Gwen's swearing in the distance. "I think I'm off home."

"Me too." Owen quickly agreed, pulling his jacket back on.

Jack looked at Ianto in supplication.

"Can I stay at your house tonight?"

**Apologies for all the meanness to Gwen! Not that most of you seem to care about that, but I'll apologise to her anyway.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Yet another huge thank you to my reviewers: WickedWitchoftheSE, milady dragon, Ravenja70, L.A.H.H., tempestuous-rayne, Jooles 34, jimmy-barnes-13, Lilith Skywalker, (x2), xxkiirousagixx, cjh4ever, Dowisetrepla, XbrokenXstarsX, gernumblies and Homicide-Inside. **

**This chapter is possibly even crazier than the last one. You have been warned. **

Chapter 5

Judging on how angry Gwen still was the next morning Ianto privately thought that it had been a very good thing that they had all left before she reappeared, otherwise the game might have lived up to its name.

The atmosphere it the Hub could have been cut with a blunt spoon. Gwen was furiously refusing to speak to or even make eye-contact with any of them, Jack and Ianto were watching each other like hawks, and now that yesterday's fun was over Owen had remembered exactly how much he hated Ianto at the moment. Oh, and Myfanwy had taken such a great liking to Ianto's nest-makeover that Tosh's jacket and several of Jack's shirts, now torn beyond repair, were once again lining her bed. Tosh and Jack were understandably not happy about this.

All in all, Ianto thought, it had not been a particularly successful team-building game.

"Ok." Owen murmured as he leaned over Tosh's shoulder. They were practically the only two still on speaking terms. "Who do you think will win? Jack or Ianto? I'm betting on Jack."

Tosh thought for a moment. "Ianto."

"Jack's better at the game."

"I think Ianto's a match for him though. After all, he did beat you."

Owen scowled. "All the same, I bet you a tenner Jack gets him first."

"Deal."

Jack, who found his own handwriting perfectly legible, had already thought up several plans for getting Ianto to accept a calculator off him. All he really had to do was distract the younger man momentarily, and Jack was an expert at that. But for that he'd really have to wait until the others had gone home, which meant that he'd have to spend all day avoiding Ianto. Unless of course they spent the day outside the Hub…

The Rift alert went off on cue, for once displaying a marvellous grasp of timing.

The team perked up at once. It had been days since they'd last had to do anything but paperwork, and sniping at your workmates wasn't nearly so exciting as alien-catching.

"I've got reports coming in from Tesco's of a swarm of some sort of lizardy things." Tosh read out off the screens. "And they've just had a major rift surge in the area."

"Lizardy things." Owen repeated sardonically. "Really, Tosh."

"That's what it says in the message."

"But at Tesco's?"

"Tesco's on a Saturday morning?" Jack shook his head. "Not good."

"We'd better be going then." Ianto suggested. "We don't want to arrive too late or we'll never be able to buy coffee there again."

Five minutes later and the SUV was on the road.

"Ianto, give me directions when we get nearer. Owen, get some sedatives ready. Reptile sedatives. Tosh, check the CCTV footage to see if you can work out what those things are. And Gwen, ring the police to tell them we've got it under control, even though we haven't yet." Jack paused in his instructions to swerve round a corner. "And when we get there I need all of you to communicate properly with each other, no matter what the other person might have done to you in the past few days."

There were various 'humph' noises from the other passengers at these words, mostly from Gwen and Owen. Tosh cut through them;

"They're purple and orange and about three feet long."

"Shouldn't be too hard to spot then." Ianto remarked dryly.

Jack just swore under his breath and pressed down on the accelerator.

"I'm guessing that's not good news." Tosh said brightly.

"They're mildly poisonous and they explode when they get angry. Or if they eat too much. Or if they just can't think of anything better to do."

"Brilliant."

"Why does nothing nice ever come through the Rift?" Owen whined as the SUV continued to hurtle down the road. "Nothing ever comes through and says 'Nice city. Sorry about that scene at the airport. Here, we brought you some chocolates to make up for causing such a fuss.'"

There was a long silence from the rest of the team until Owen was forced to answer his own question:

"Bloody Torchwood."

Ianto had never seen Tesco's so empty on a Saturday morning. He'd never seen it infested with giant multi-coloured lizards either. Just as he was deciding that the hordes of Saturday-morning shoppers weren't so bad after all a deafening bang resounded around the building and everyone jumped.

"What was that?" Gwen gasped.

"The bakery section." Ianto replied miserably, and then, as the sound of another explosion quickly followed; "And that's the tinned food aisle."

Jack simultaneously registered three things. One, there were obviously far more aliens than they realised if things were blowing up that quickly, two, Gwen was speaking again, and three, Ianto was doing the shopping far too often if he knew the layout of the supermarket this well. Not that the last was a problem – the lizards seemed to be rearranging the shelves for him.

"Ok Team, we're going to-"

"Split up?" Tosh suggested.

"- split up and make our way to the back of the store. Tosh and Ianto with me, Gwen with Owen. Keep your comms open and try and tranquilise them if you can. But whatever you do don't scare them."

"Let me guess," said Owen sardonically as he twirled a syringe in his hand. "They explode."

Jack nodded and Owen sighed.

"Don't feed them, don't scare them, don't irritate them, don't bore them… what _are_ we supposed to do with them?" Owen moaned as the pair made their way cautiously up one of the aisles.

"Shoot them?" Gwen suggested tersely. She was tired and annoyed and her arm ached like hell every time she tried to move it.

"Good suggestion, but I think that might come under the category of 'don't

annoy them'"

"Just shut up." The shelves around them shook with the force of another blast.

Owen grinned as he skirted round a pile of condensed milk tins scattered on the floor. "Don't scare her, don't annoy her, don't talk to her or Gwen Cooper will explode." He dodged away from the expected blow, but instead Gwen grabbed him fiercely.

"Don't move you idiot!"

Something that looked suspiciously like a large purple-spotted lizard was moving past the end of the aisle just ten metres away, its back turned to them. Owen crouched down, the sedative ready in his hand, and started to inch his way towards it when suddenly he knocked a tin with his elbow. The creature turned towards them looking surprised.

"Run!" shouted Owen, abandoning his original plan as the lizard started to make its way towards them, surprisingly fast. As he grabbed Gwen's arm and sprinted back down the aisle he shot at it over his shoulder.

BANG!

"Owen? Gwen?" Jack tapped into his comms as the largest explosion yet rocked the building.

"We're ok." Gwen's voice came shakily over the comms.

"What happened?"

"One saw us so Owen shot at it and it exploded. I think it was next to the flour."

Jack swore under his breath, looking up and down the alcohol aisle they were in. He hadn't considered that problem.

"Half this stuff is flammable." said Ianto in a horrified whisper, having just had exactly the same thought. "The drinks, the flour…"

"Cooking oil." Tosh added. "And cleaning supplies."

Ianto closed his eyes and tried to imagine a drunk rampaging alien lizard, or one on a sugar high, or one that had just eaten its way through a ton of dangerous chemicals. It wasn't a pretty thought.

"I don't suppose we could poison them somehow?" he suggested tentatively. "Or would that make them explode too?"

"We could put sedatives in the food!" Tosh exclaimed excitedly.

"That's an excellent idea, Miss Sato." Jack replied sarcastically. "And of course you know exactly what their favourite meal is, so we won't have to add drugs to every bit of food in the shop?"

"Jack?" It was Gwen again. "We've found where they're all gathering - there's a whole horde of them in the sweets section. What should we do?"

"Well, first off don't shoot them." Jack heard Owen's snort over the comms. "And then just wait for us. Toshiko's got a plan."

Tosh blushed slightly and ducked her head to hide her grin. "So it's a plan now, is it?"

Ianto interrupted before Jack could respond. "So the plan is to walk right up to them, drug the food in front of them, walk away again and wait for them to fall over?"

Jack sighed and switched on the comms again.

"Did anyone bring any chocolate?"

No-one had, or at least if they did they weren't admitting it, so Ianto was forced to improvise with a chocolate cake.

"What a waste." Jack said mournfully as he watched the delicious-looking piece of confectionary being laced with sedative.

"You can test it for us if you like sir."

Jack declined the offer.

"Hurry up, Harkness. These beasties won't be staying here forever you know."

"Calm down Owen, we're on our way."

At the other end of the store Owen and Gwen were watching as the 'bloody-ugly lizard things', as Owen called them, ate their way through an unhealthy amount of sweets. Every so often one exploded. Occasionally the explosion of one would start a chain reaction and cause its neighbour to join in, but otherwise they seemed completely oblivious to the fact that their companions kept disappearing with a bang.

"It better be a bloody good plan." Remarked Owen distastefully as yet another of the lizards splattered itself across the floor, this time rather too close for comfort.

It was a good plan, or at least Jack thought so. Certainly, in his opinion, it got ten out of ten for style and eleven out of ten for craziness. And he'd never realised just how fun pushing trolleys around could be.

Tosh and Ianto went running panting after Jack as he raced across the store pushing a shopping trolley piled high with cakes, careening round corners and slaloming round abandoned bags and trolleys. This, Ianto reminded himself, was why _he_ normally did the shopping.

Ahead of Ianto Jack braked the trolley sharply and turned up an aisle. Ianto arrived just in time to see him push the trolley full force towards the group of feeding lizards. It toppled onto its side just as it reached them, spilling cake everywhere, but its momentum continued to carry it across the floor, smashing into the row of shelves behind.

Behind the boxes they were spying between Owen and Gwen had just enough time to realise exactly what the others' 'brilliant plan' was before the whole section of shelving came toppling down on top of them.

Jack grinned happily as he watched the last lizard drop comatose to the floor - it seemed cake was preferable even to chocolate.

"That worked better than I expected." Tosh commented as she checked on one of the aliens. "What do we do with them now?"

"I'll think of something." Jack knew he'd come up with something. He always did. And hadn't he just saved Tesco's with a trolley-load of cakes?

Ianto sighed slightly, knowing that in all likelihood the problem would get passed down to him.

"Where are the others?" Tosh asked. They looked around for a few seconds before Ianto supplied the answer.

"I think they're under the shelves."

Jack conceded that his young archivist was once again right as they pulled fruit boxes off the swearing Owen. None of them could help but laugh as he emerged covered in squished strawberries.

"Yeah, funny isn't it? What about all the 'are you ok?' shit?"

"Are you ok?" Tosh asked dutifully though her giggles.

"Yes." Admitted Owen reluctantly, not mentioning his pride.

"He has to be with swearing like that." Jack commented as he pulled Gwen out from under the remains of the shelving.

"You are such a bloody fool! What kind of crazy idea…"

"Gwen's fine too then." Said Ianto evenly. She ignored him as she lifted her hand to brush the dust out of her hair, before wincing in pain and quickly swapping hands.

"Gwen? Are you ok?" Jack hurried over looking worried. Injuring a team member hadn't been part of the plan.

Gwen looked up at him, eyes blazing. "My arm," she said shortly, "kills."

Owen started to step forward, but Gwen interrupted. "Do you know why my arm kills?" Jack didn't dare answer so she continued. "It kills because yesterday _someone_ forced me to keep it in exactly the same position for nearly seven hours. And now I can't even move it."

Jack had the grace to look slightly embarrassed.

Several hours later Jack finally re-entered the Hub. He had told his Team to all go home and take the rest of the day off, saying that he would tidy up. He'd regretted it later of course, when he realised just how much destruction the lizards and Torchwood had managed to cause between them. So he was unquestioningly grateful when Ianto appeared before he'd even stepped off the lift, offering him a mug of hot, steaming, mouth-wateringly-scented coffee.

"I thought I told you to go home."

"I did, but then I came back. I thought you might be wanting this."

Jack took the coffee in his hands and inhaled deeply. "Ianto Jones, you are a mind-reader." He flashed the Welshman a quick grin before lifting the coffee to his lips and taking a large gulp. His expression changed instantly.

"Eeurggh! What's in this?"

"Sun-cream, sir." replied Ianto, his face perfectly expressionless.

_**Finis**_

**I know I let Ianto win, but he was always going to. Your opinions had no impact at all.**

**Note on Gwen's arm: I wrote this just after my cervical cancer jab.** **Enough said. **

**Note on Tesco's: I know that this is a slightly unrealistic view and that anyone could find a dozen holes in the plot, but please allow me some poetic license. Also, I haven't been to Cardiff recently and I'm only assuming that they do have a Tesco's. Of course I've probably got the layout completely wrong but again I appeal to poetic license and the fact that this is in a different universe. Last but not least I don't have enough free cash or time to pop down to Cardiff merely to research the supermarkets, although I **_**was**_** tempted to test the trolley stunt at my local one.**


End file.
